There are good movies, and there are bad movies. Then there are movies that are so bad, it is as though Satan himself took a dump inside your DVD player. "D.E.B.S." makes those from the third category look like "Casablanca." Good movies can never last long enough; bad movies are never short enough. Had "D.E.B.S." been thirty seconds long, it would have been too long.
The premise starts out easily enough: certain questions on the SAT are geared to test a student's qualifications for espionage. Should a student score high enough on these questions, she is invited to become one of the D.E.B.S., an elite team of spy-soldiers lodged deep inside the inner workings of the U.S. government. Supposedly, these questions determine how well the student (apparently only females qualify for D.E.B.S. because guys don't look nearly as good in the mandatory "Catholic schoolgirl" uniform) can lie, though it isn't exactly clear how a seemingly innocent test question can determine how well a person can lie.
The movie follows four D.E.B.S. (the movie never really clarifies if the "S" is part of the acronym or if it is to distinguish pluralism): Max, the on-edge African-American girl and squad leader; Amy, the blonde who got a perfect score on the secret portion of the SAT; Janet, the doofus of the group; and Dominique, who you know is French because she is a sex addict, smokes non-stop, and speaks with an accent so obvious that it can almost visible. The four are in hot pursuit of Lucy Diamond, the international super-villain on whom Amy is, coincidentally enough, writing a thesis. Apparently no one has ever fought Diamond and lived, yet Amy conveniently manages to do just that within the first half-hour of the movie. This sets up the romantic interest in the story: Diamond is a lesbian and is infatuated with Amy. It is not long after that Amy becomes attracted to Lucy, but Amy is a "cop" and Lucy is the "villain"! What to do?
The whole movie plays out like a Saturday morning teen sitcom, one wherein all the characters are beautiful and somehow manage to outsmart the bumbling grown-ups. The plot is paper-thin, the action ends before it starts, and the humor is as bland as reheated oatmeal.
The only audience that this movie could possibly be targeting is twelve- to fourteen-year-old boys. Anyone older than that would be offended by the dialog and story line; anyone younger than that would not understand the sexual overtones to the movie. The only thing worth recommending about this movie is the fact that you do get to see some attractive girls in schoolgirl uniforms, but once any enjoyment from that passes and an unsettling feeling of dirtiness settles over you, you'll still have 90+ minutes left.
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